booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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