he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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