I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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