I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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