last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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