Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
