a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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