Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
