I swear she didn't look like that last week.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
