3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I need a beard to bite.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
