chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
