while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
