She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
