Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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