Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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