Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
