I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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