he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
