I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
