It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Please don't give away my fajitas
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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