I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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