it's too hot outside to masturbate.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
