Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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