Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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