it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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