Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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