i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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