if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
