you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
