why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
