They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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