you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
