therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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