her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
