My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
