i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
