If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How external is "for external use only"?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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