Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
