my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
