At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
