Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
