she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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