i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
