I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
