The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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