First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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