she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
