Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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