separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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