Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I touched a dick in church today
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
