I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
