kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
